17 mois après greffe!

Salut!

Sitting at my computer dans le Var, putting together the magic recipe for how to NEVER work in Corporate ever again….NOT because it was not fulfilling in my twenties, and not because I am not grateful for the protection it gave me while on leave battling Leukemia, or the 401k, and amazing insurance, incredible friendships as a result but because I associate so much of the Corporate life with my past life which unfortunately also correlates with Leukemia.

Yesterday I had a call about a potential job and when he asked me about my CV (resume) and why it was only Jan 2018-Feb 2018 for my first Merchandising role, I had to hold back tears. The thought of telling a total stranger that I had Leukemia, then a stem-cell transplant, followed by some other hard to imagine hiccups was more difficult than I imagined. However, it was not surprising to me, as I had the same reaction when I had to recount my FULL AML histoire avec medecin Francaise just back in July. AML will always be part of my histoire, but the histoire that shaped the rest of my life as a healthier, happier, holistically human being.  It was the part of my life that led me to fall in love with my future husband, and the part of my life that changed my career path and and go-getter goals for the long-term. 

Alors…..It is hard to believe it is already the end of September and another month, another pris de sang is on the horizon. I know everything is good, I feel great, minus the mundane menopause that is currently wreaking havoc from time to time due to the fertility doctor stripping me of my hormones with the hope in December she will be able to harvest some eggs, to eventually freeze embryos, so I can have a child with both mine and JM’s super special DNA. I really cannot complain because this is selfishly what I want down the road, so the 3 months of hormonal starvation will have to suffice. Even if it means elevated liver functions, sleepless nights and serious mood swings.#thehormonalstruggleisreal

On another note, and what prompted me to put together a blog post is I was supposed to be situated in the South of France the past 3 days to focus on my future as a writer, but of course, other things got in the way. 1. Being even more lucrative than this potential book/blog for this moment in time: My new business platform….the one that is going to keep me from clinging to a Corporate career for the next 30+ years, the one that will free me from having to return to the chaos of a Corporation. (it is not all bad, but I want something better for ME) and let’s be frank working at UA was a dream compared to my past in NYC.

I will not lie the past few days have been difficult as they always are leading up to the blood draw, but I know it is just hormones and FEAR creeping in, because let’s be real that’s what they love to do. Anxiety and illusions of awful things are some of their favorite tricks. To be honest, all I want to do is the write the book about the before, the during and now the after of Cancer, but the hormones and the heaviness sometimes of my emotions keeps getting in the way. Alas, not allowing me to get my thoughts together on my future Non-Fiction Narrative. 

I promise to you my followers, when I do finally sit down, (and soon) to really concentrer on the task at hand it will not only be a BEST SELLER, but it will be the greatest work I have ever done. It will be authentic, at times intense and of course emotional, but it will be the truth. The truth about how even the bon vivants of the world sometimes have to fight cancer, maybe to come to grips with who they are supposed to be, and candidly that maybe not living an authentic life can lead to Leukemia. Root Chakra Chapter en route. I believe with all my bones (and new bone marrow from the best TWIN brother ever) that being diagnosed forever changed my life, even if I had to relapseafter a blissful remission to meet my beau pour la vie before receiving a bone marrow transplant to be FINALLY re-reminded that la vie est belle, vraiment new immune systems are the SHIT and authenticity is the only way to move forward and remain cancer free forever. 

I would be lying if I said that even in the difficult times daily, I do not love my life. I really do, and I love that I am healthy, happy and realizing mes reves…even if it’s not happening immediately.

The best is yet to come and for me that looks like a published version of my most profound personal work, my twin brother’s bone marrow continuing to keep me cancer free, and marrying JeanMi FINALLY a France in 2020.  

As for my book and blog, I can only pray and ask the universe for such success for my words, but really to be able to touch the lives of so many who have lived through cancer personally or with someone close to them is the platform for why I want to write this book. Courage is what got me through Cancer and inspiring others now is what will continue to carry me into the future. 

 

Merci mes amies. 

XOXO

The one and Allie

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Survivor chronicles in the name of Kevin Keane. …

It’s September 3, and I absolutely adore the #3. It’s special, it’s spiritual and it’s also my favorite boss’s bday. So many things to celebrate, except a friend in survivorship took his last breaths this past weekend and I am crushed.

I rushed to read the obituary sent via his caring bridge from his family early this morning and afterwards felt depleted. I had hopes that something would be said that would make it all better, but it’s not better it’s worse. It’s heartbreaking and bitter and in the words of my ex-Chinese production person, NOT FAIR. I even considered skipping yoga as I just could not bear to be around anyone, not even my future husband. Who candidly has been suffering from a horrible case of hemmeroids since returning from our Grecian adventure. Le sigh. I wish I had the empathy I have for cancer patients and survivors for him with his hemmoroidal struggle but it’s something I am working on for myself and for my marriage. #makeEmpathyGreatAgain

However, the first step is admitting and I know I save most my empathy for the people who cannot control what ails them versus those things that can be cleared up with time and over the counter meds and a well maintained diet. I am working on it.

As I take the #12 line to le marais for some magical yoga, deep breathing and detox from daily life I cannot help but think why. Why was Kevin, given cancer 3 x and why why why did he suddenly contract a virus that eventually attacked his lungs and led to his slow and extremely sad passing on. For heaven’s sake he slayed cancer 3 times and shouldn’t he be allowed to be with his wife and 3 beautiful children on that alone. This is where I start to question….not God, not the universe but why.

For me it certainly does not make sense, and as I search for meaning in my life over the next 2 months, as well as solidify something work wise, I wonder sometimes why am I still here and others, who have people who need them more than ever, are taken too quickly. Not that the people in my life don’t need me, as I am reminded daily by family and friends that even though I am an Atlantic Ocean away, I am still needed, but when someone has children and they have to suffer it makes me think, WTF is happening and why.

So here’s to this week of wondering and willingly asking the universe to point me in a direction that gives meaning to my life. Meaning outside of just living my best French life….and also, asking the universe, God, the angels to make it consciously clear of what I am supposed to do to help others, inspire others and support others in their journey of life and all the challenges and beauty it brings every single day.

This one is for you Kev and your beautiful wife Kelly and the amazing children you brought into this world. You will forever be remembered for your force and fortitude and FAITH to fight the beast that shall rename nameless because let’s be clear, it had nothing on you! Your spirit lives on forever my friend in survivorship.

So with that my followers, family and friends, when you think you are having a bad day and nothing seems to be going right, remember that life is precious beautiful and priceless. Live in gratitude daily and do not be deterred by the detours and daily dramas that sometimes get the best of us. MYSELF included.

Je vous embrasse fort!

Allie

TRUST TRUST TRUST. Troisième fois.

Hello beautiful friends, family and followers,

I wrote most of this lying on a beach somewhere on the island of Folegandros, #roughlife, where the air is warm, the water is cool and the landscapes are reminding me why I wanted to live and why I put my body through the trauma I did. Little did I know that finally getting to Folegandros, a place my lovely Fiancé frequently spoke about taking me to throughout the unforgettable 2018, all of my past trauma would come to the surface. I think it all comes back to TRUST. Trust that my soap-opera and somewhat stressful chapter with Cancer is complete and I have moved on to a healthier more full life.

I say it often but I really mean it, the cancer free life is simply the best but sometimes moving forward from things that make me feel safe, ie. My cushy and cool job with endless benefits and a certain cache, along with my Floridian family, forever friends a NYC can make me feel like one day the universe is going to continue throwing me curve balls and not allow me to just live courageously and cancer free. This is a block I’m working through and throughout my Grecian adventure had to really force myself to let go of trying to control and really start to live again moins le stress and plus d’amour knowing the universe has mon dos.

From the beaches of Folegandros to some of the best people in Bonita and Baltimore…..thanks for helping me live my dream and taking steps towards an even More beautiful life than I ever expected.

But the real focus on this particular post is about TRUST. It is something I have learned as of late that I REALLY need to work on TRUST as much as I work on my gratitude practice. And more particularly TRUST over the next 4 months as we round out 2019. I really want to LIVE with LOVE over FEAR, and TRUST that I am healing, cured and moving forward towards greatness and my spiritually aligned purpose. Whatever that may come to be.

Today is August 26th, 2019, and I just had labs drawn at the local laboratories and I am waiting for my results, like waiting for Godot. Even though after I treated myself to a Starbucks Matcha Latte (sans about 300 g of the sugary ones they serve in the US), I saw many signs that I am safe, and will continue to be. And sometimes I have to just sit with myself and my barrage of sens in order to just move forward and fulfill my destiny of becoming French bien sur. Donc….The papillions on the windows of the print shop near the parc I placed myself in to sit my latte and just inspirer also brought me another butterfly friend, a white one, signaling, tout va bien. However, the trust and waiting game is painful and liberating all at the same time. It takes me back to August 23, 2016. The day I was transferred to University of Maryland Hospital under the pretenses that i in fact had leukemia. It was a day of firsts, and a day of lasts. It was the last time I would ever be a “non-cancer,” person. It was all still a nightmare, bad dream back then but I remember the fire burning inside me that wanted to live and breathe for many generations to come…and that fire still burns! And on this exact date 3 years later I soaked in a Santorini Sunrise and Sunset that only someone with big dreams, trust in the universe and LOVE could have imagined ever seeing after a devastating diagnosis.

Over the last 3 years, Leukemia has taught me a lot and I can sum it up rather-simply: About Love, and it’s abundance and endless possibilities in Miracles including my stem-cell transplant from my at that time estranged twin brother, a healthy and seamless engraftment within 3 months with limited graft versus host disease just a little VOD and Defetilio change of events to keep things interesting, and unwavering LOVE that grew from an ocean apart with my now Fiance in France. It also has taught me About happiness, and how it’s not a destination, it’s a choice and how happiness and positive vibes foster healing physically, emotionally and mentally and ultimately maintain and support happiness. And finally about fortitude and moving forward, that if you want to and you pray on it, trust it, and are absolutely authentic about your desires and with that inner fire I mentioned prior, partnered with courage and conviction, you will prevail and you will be pushed into the next chapter, where you dreamed you would be. Cancer, Disease, Toxicity free whatever is ailing you at that moment and be saved.

So thankful to tell this story every month with my fearless followers. A la Sainte to the next 3 years of rebuilding after rebirthing! And more gratitude than I care to count, math was never my major but words are my safe place for self expression. Thanks for reading!❤️🦋 la vie est belle.

Le médecin Français et beginning to Vive La France….

Oohlala. What a wild but also wonderful two weeks it has been since I last posted. For one, i finally moved back to France with my Fiancé and I am so happy to be spending forever with this incredible human.

En faite, he provided me with a beautiful and clean apartment, he even gave me 3 étagères in the placard for my clothes, and an entire space for my dresses and other “hanging” items (closet) and two tiroirs (drawers) 😉 je suis très contente! Even though he does not know I am going to give him a whole Marie Kondo class upon returning from his apartment in the South France. Do more with less! Mais vraiment il est the reason why I was able to focus on the future while I went through my rebirth and cancer free life. JM totally trusted in the universe and the process that I would in fact be saved, spared and sans cancer once and for all. Merci mon amour pour tout! Je suis de la chance!

On another note, upon adjusting to life avec mon amour à Paris, I am also discovering a new part of Paris. With less bread, wine et fromage (but there’s some of that too) and focusing on my health and wellness. This included: Sourcing new Yoga studios and taking full advantage of their unlimited first week specials <3. Finding a Qi gong practitioners pour la femme and a five element acupuncturists for my French life. I had so many special Chinese medicine healers aux les Etas-Unis and I am hopeful to find French practitioners with the same sort of spirit.

And most importantly I am finally meeting mon médecine Français. I was recommended by a friend from Felix (yes, it’s really the best place for me to find friends) who is BMT Doctor at NYU but also European. He was able to help me with a network of names at the best hospitals so I can be followed until the 2 year mark when they finally release me and the sword of Démascles can get kicked to the curb. (The feeling I get before every rendez-vous) Marie est la médecine this week while the head Doctor Regis est a vacances .

Being able to celebrate avec le

Coupe de champagne à Paris après mon rendez-vous is the perfect way to continue pushing forward and remember that 15 months post transplant and 17 months cancer free is only the beginning of the best part of my life. Being 100% my brother is the most beautiful choise (thing) and it has changed my life forever, in both my stem cells and in my spirit. Vraiment, I would not change one bit of this bumpy ride with the caveat of possibly reducing the pain and suffering my body and my family had to endure in order to step into this new much sunnier and sweet life.

I am continuing to LIVE in a way I never thought possible with life being lighter, lovelier depuis que je laisse le passé dans le passé!

La vie est Belle.

Bisous a tout le monde!

Merci for continuing to read and root for theoneandallie.

Xoxo

A day in the life of a cancer survivor…..survivor soliloquies continue a June 25th, 2019….and beyond!

Today is a Tuesday, I almost always have labs on Wednesday at Moffit at the end of each month. I know tout va bien but let’s be real, for my frequent followers, ptsd likes to remind me about 24-48 hours before the lab draw of the following:

1. that life is a blessing

2. DO NOT be bogged down by the dangerous inner dialogue that sometimes seeps into my brain

3. I am cured and the CBC and chemistry is to keep me safe after all I had chemo running through my veins for a very long time

Little did I know that the PTSD cue and all the BIG change in my life would come at once. Alors the inner anxiety is at work, so I constantly remind myself: I am here. For a reason. I am grateful. Another day. Wow. Incroyable. I am cured. And candidly, cancer was my catalyst for change. I became a better and more positive person. So….How can I make the most of it? Another butterfly sign across from me at the airport. I am safe. Le sigh

The good news is the closer I work towards curing myself of codependencies, the better I am at managing the mania that sometimes takes over my mind. So…..here’s a big one.

Alors after a long time and thoughtful consideration, I am on the verge of quitting my cushy and candidly “cool” job. On top of moving to another country to reunite with my forever fiancé (ie. Soon to be Husband) as well as figure out how to speak french like a professional. But le plus importante choisie, to find my purpose that is aligned with the authentic allie i am becoming in the place that makes me feel the most centered and that I can truly reinvent myself in. Le sigh.

Truth is being codependent is in my nature. I was born a twin for crying-out loud. However, as I cruise toward a more fulfilling and “french,” life I am better at cutting the codependencies off at the chord (yes they’re like umbilical chords). Sometimes via meditation but most of the time it just happens as I shift my perspective and work towards healthier holistic life. Mind. Body. Spirit…..With one caveat, the codependency that saved my life, HELLO my twin brother’s seriously amazing stem cells. They are for keeps and I think all my spirit advisors would concur, this codependency is candidly quintessential to my cancer free life. Can I get an amen?

So here’s to my new beginning and maybe coaching others out of their co-dependencies as a career long term?

The good news is, I am grateful for everyday I get a chance to reinvent myself and also the freedom to be able to do that because of the company I am currently leaving. I could NOT have come to this conclusion so calmly without their full support and understanding. To be candid I am going to miss the chaos as much as the Camaraderie and my most trusted confidants and colleagues. But….my choice now is to live authentically and most importantly suivant mon cœur et être avec mon amour. But I’m on the hook until mid August with UA and I am eternally grateful to finish up some of the best work I’ve ever done that I know I can apply to whatever I will be doing long term in the city of Love and Light.

Cheers to this eclipse saison that has just begun and I can guarantee you that my next chapter will involve a conversation about root chakras, more survivorship soliloquies and my new French doctor, who will follow me when I am away from my beloved angel sent from above Dr. Michael at Moffitt.

But for now….Bisous bisous et Bye Bye Baltimore!

La vie est belle.

Grateful for every single day I get to be….

The one and Allie

Learning to Live in Abundance All Day Er Day!

Hello friends and fearless followers,

It’s been a busy few weeks back in Baltimore and I can honestly say I am so grateful and happy to be able to come full circle. Reintegrating into the office life has been less hectic than I anticipated and I have a lot of WOMEN within UA to thank for that. #letsBFrank

With that, I have been learning to lean into abundance and be grateful for all that is before me. Accessory Advocate (my new job), awesome apartment with my closest Baltimore copine, my cube mates who make everyday I walk in the door a little brighter (Katie G, Paul & AP) are just a few notable mentions.As sometimes, being back in the real world, it is easy for me to get sucked into my personal melodrama, and unfortunately some of my old bad habits of negative self talk and less gratitude, more sulk-i-tude ie. My skin is not the same and never ceases to disappoint me on the daily, or I have 5 lbs of water weight around my belly as a result of hormones and refusing to have hot flashes on the regular, and I want to be fit like I was before I had cancer and finish another marathon or half at least to feel a sense of accomplishment……and then I listened to a podcast. (My new workout music) It was about abundance, and how to conjure up more but also how getting up everyday and showing up to life is a hard enough job in and of itself so maybe go a little bit easier on myself and be a little less critical. NOTED.

With that, I am “loving” leaning into abundance. For me it started by #1: no longer comparing myself to others. I have been on a much different journey than just about anyone my age and I have to remember that at the end of the day that makes me unique and according to my fiancé, extra special. I cannot compare and instead be grateful for my own journey and where it has taken me and where I am going as a result. The possibilities are abundant. Don’t I know it. Like now it’s #official, I conquered cancer, next please.

Another part of living and breathing in abundance is being thankful for what I have and that does not necessarily have to be material. For example, one thing at the top of my list of daily gratitude is my Health. Leaning into this word specifically helps me manifest more health holistically into my life. Social health, career health, relationship health and even financial health can all be something I manifest as a result of leaning into the idea of abundance of health. Call me crazy, but guess what girls (and guys), it works. I have seen so much abundance appear in my life from being thankful for my health, and as a result I feel like I am able continue to maintain a positive attitude, access my intuition that tells me I am cured and continue to heal from the trauma of the past two and half years between diagnosis, relapse and the best part of it all, surviving.

How about this week, everyone reading along, think about how you can lean in a little more to what you are grateful for? I bet you will feel better by the week-end if anything is causing you angst or irritation, and good things will absolutely appear. They might even be super small but if you awaken your senses through this gratitude practice, I can promise you there will be little signs of hope or as Honey calls them, “God winks,” to let you know the universe, when you spread love and gratitude, is always on your side.

Here’s to leaning in, living abundantly as you open yourself up to infinite possibilities for perpetual happiness and positive vibrations through gratitude.

Go manifest some Good.

This week I am celebrating 13 months post transplant, 12 months post VOD disaster turned gift from God with all the amazing people I have met on that journey and 1 month of being engaged to the best man I ever met at a bar😉! Anniversaries are everywhere and so is abundance and goodness I could not be more grateful for both. 💯

La vie est belle.

Bisous tout le monde!

Theoneandallie❤️

Totally Tony & Too Much to Talk About After Twenty One Days of Silence…….#thankful

Sorry for my silence these last 3 weeks. I have to admit the emotional roller coaster I was on leading up to my 1 year biopsy had me in heavy state of mind. Although my intuition never steers me wrong, I was without a doubt making myself crazy with fear and unfortunately wasting a great deal of energy on unnecessary emotions. This my fellow warriors and followers is life after transplant. More simply stated: Survivorship. One of the most beautiful things life has to offer after being dealt a diagnosis as detrimental as leukemia, is this gift of life once again. I am so blessed and grateful for that, as it is more beautiful than I ever anticipated……but I would be lying if I said it was not challenging at times to keep my emotions in check and quiet the noise inside my head, especially at pinnacle milestones.

The bonne nouvelles is that I am 100% donor cells in marrow and in peripheral blood. Seems those healthy stem cells from my handsome twin brother were just what the Doctor ordered. Can I get a witness? So happy. So blessed. So in awe of every step of this journey. The truth is, this journey is about the destination. And this destination of 1 year was the 1/2 way mark to officially being called “cured.” So much to be thankful for and so much to celebrate…..seriously.

And with that, we did. A few days before I was blessed with the official good news as it came from my one and only Dr Nieder. Candidly I was not quite keen on the idea of a full on celebration but I am so happy my parents pushed me to to party with some really special people who have walked this path with us this last year.

I have to admit I have been on cloud nine ever since May 1, not to mention, my boyfriend upgraded his status to official Fiancé a few days before, so it’s really been all about the “feels” as of late. My fiancé is so “Effing” amazing it is hard for me to not be too forthcoming about our future together but I know for sure the best is yet to come!

On another note, my old friend early, “menopause,” has also been playing tricks on me, making sure I remember to be grateful for everyday and remember this is a journey…..just one emotional breakdown at a time ;). Truth it’s not always about the destination but the stops along the way on the journey, partnered with the lessons we learn. And every milestone a new lesson in menopause has been the motto. 😉 It’s something I must manage as it not only affects my mood but sometimes my overall mental state. (Its best friends with ptsd, they feed off one another) it’s better than cancer and as I age it will continue to become less challenging. I am 33 and the reality is, transplant had its downsides but ridding myself of disease was top of mind so I chose to do whatever it took to rid myself of disease, even though it was a 60/40 chance it would be detrimental to my reproductive health. Unfortunately, I am now learning that early “menopause,” is one of the most painful side effects in young adults after transplant, especially with the mood swings due to managing the hormonal mayhem without putting me at risk for secondary cancers. #estrogenups&downs

En fait, as I write this post I am On my way back to Baltimore to step back into my role with UA and I am overwhelmed with emotions. I know a lot of it is hormonal anxiety but I have to remember I have had so much support surrounding me over the past 15 months that it’s hard to believe that I’ll be by myself, more or less, without my “blood,” by my side (but always in marrow) so a major thanks to Lee, Bob & Barbie who are holding it down in the B, helping me to wake up in Charm City surrounded by some of the best. #blessed

Not much else to mention other than how grateful I am for every single day I get to share my story and help other survivors stay strong and steadfast on their journey back to health! Menopause is just part of the beautiful mess of bone marrow transplant, but truth is I wouldn’t have it any other way as the gift of bone marrow from my twin brother was exactly what I needed to propel me into the best part of my life with my family, fiancé and friends à côté du moi. 🙂

Thanks for following, for praying and for walking along this path to pinnacle health with your hearts.

Bisous bisous

Allie