Lately authenticity seems the only way to be. No more hiding, pretending, co-depending and enabling faux feelings. In fact, it feels unnatural and a bit icky for lack of a better term to even consider not being totally 100% honest with how I am feeling, what I am feeling and who I am nowadays. Authenticité…..it sounds so much better in French! 😉
With that, let’s talk about where my head has been the past 30 days or so. Between the mood swings, hot flashes (which I am happy to report are subsiding slowly but surely), my mind has been in a state of stress. I have been trying to figure out why, while mostly coming up with the hormonal excuse (ha)….Then, something dawned on me the other day as I did a little “deep dive,” to quote my Jones Apparel President, into my mayhem driven mind. A very heavy day was making it way towards me…..deep breaths Allie deep breaths.
Today is the day 2 years ago a very direct Doctor in Maryland told me matter of factly, “You have Leukemia.” I can still remember that moment, like my whole world had come crashing down in 3 words. My Father starting to whimper with tears and my emotionally inept now ex-boyfriend, completely coming unglued. The fearless fellow, who would one day become my friend, coming out of a sea of medical professionals to hold my hand and tell me I was going to be okay, that I had the “good Leukemia.” It was a scene from a movie, but in my state of denial and non-acceptance not MY movie. I could not agree to these terms and I would have no choice but 4 days later begin the what would be a 2 year fight for my life.
Everyday over the last two years has been part of a long, and at sometimes painful journey. A journey which began by myself, in an unfamiliar city, with my family and friends by my side. A journey of biopsy after biopsy, hoping and praying for minimal residual disease to disappear. A journey to relapse, that broke my heart into a million pieces. A journey that then brought fraternal twins together, after four years of being estranged, to form a bond so unbreakable it had to have been written in the stars. A journey that has begun to finally free a young woman from the darkness this disease has brought to her life and a journey that would bring a young woman from fear to faith from this day forward.
Authentically I share this with you because this is the only way I can and will live from this day forward. Sharing my story has saved me as it is the only way for me to give my fellow warriors the spirit to keep fighting forward. To know where I have been, and how with the help of my twin brother, family and friends, I have continued to conquer cancer and crushed it. Everyday brings a new beginning and new blessings. I am just scratching the surface!
Here’s to 2 years of many tears and finally using faith to fight my fears.
This is the journey to The One and Allie.