Survivorship Soliliquoy

Hello friends, family and followers,

What a wonderful last four weeks weeks it’s been post 6 month appointment. I must admit I underestimated how beautiful being a survivor is but also I underestimated the anxiety and other emotions associated with living through this rebirth and remission, while many others facing leukemia are less fortunate.

I had a conversation with my therapist this past week about why Survivorship is the consciously more difficult part of the cancer journey and why I need to give myself time. He said when you were in treatment and anticipating remission, preparing for your new cells, your body was going through a war, and thus your body went into literal “Survivor,” mode. The same type of mode someone would go into if a gun was being held to their head. It is part of our basic instinct and it is a type of fear that actually protects us when our bodies are undergoing trauma and we have no other decision but to let our subconscious survival skills take over!

This was a WOW moment if I ever had one. Meanwhile I have spent the majority of the month of October angsting and being hard on myself for the dark places my mind was going. Thinking and saying to myself, you beat cancer x 2, your liver failed and you are still here, why do you think something catastrophic is going to happen to you again? I realized that I never felt this way during treatment because I was in “survival,” mode, subconsciously. I was without forcing it, letting my subconscious lead…..And my subconscious wanted to win, it wanted to live and so it did just that. It put me in the deepest remission I had ever been in since my diagnosis and it allowed me to accept my new cells, flawlessly, without fail. (Minus the liver fauxpaus #SOS)

Survivor serendipity was all the rage this week as I then spoke to a sweet man, who was a Cuban refugee. He fled Cuba in the 80s, on a boat and 18 days later made it to Miami. Talk about “Survival Skills.” He is a force. I am honored to have met him. He says after his “survivor” experience now he knows he can conquer anything. He went 17 days without food but always held out hope and prayed that one day he would be a citizen of the free world. He has been here ever since, raised 4 beautiful children and has never looked back. He gave me hope and reassurance that one day I will feel the same about my own survivor journey.

This conversation got me thinking and helped me realize right now is a little bit harder emotionally because the conscious mind, unlike our subconscious mind, plays tricks on us. It forces us at times to live in fear, to rethink every noise our bodies make, the list goes on. This is what my therapist calls PTSD. And the truth is, it will go away. Time. It really does heal all wounds along with my meditation practices and living in the present moment. Every. Single. Day. And somedays, the being present struggle is real. But then I think, I am like your trusty 7 year old MAC book pro that you just installed a new hard drive on, I just need time, love and nurturing, patience, as with an entire new system it is going to take time for the computer (and user for that matter) to get used to it. I say MAC Book because MAC’s are quite intuitive, something I learned while an MBA student in Paris, as once they get up and running, they can do just about anything you want them to with finesse and less stress. And friends, that is what our subconscious is, it is our intuition.

So….Here’s to the days ahead where my intuition is thriving and the chattering conscious mind is taking a back seat. It’s all part of my survivorship journey and for that I am forever grateful, to be here and be able to share this long but full of love voyage with all of you! ❤️

This is theoneandallie.



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