Sometimes flashbacks of heavy times past hit me during my meditations. This past Sunday was one of those days. As my weekly dose of estrogen started to kick back in and gave me a nice boost of sera-t-on in as well as emotional overload, I started to cry during my meditation thinking of how lucky I am that I am alive and always surrounded by people who love me.
The emotional fire-starter that struck me during Sunday soul meditation, I know I will never forget. It was the flashback of January 2018, when my doctor told me I was relapsing. Real talk: trauma is trauma and sometimes thinking about it involves tears, to remind you how far you’ve come but that it takes time to truly move forward. I also remember the details of this day so definitively, from my Dad disappearing on a plane to share the disappointment with the rest of my family, dial-ing up my Austrian Doctor friend in NYC hoping he’d give me a less dreadful reaction to the diagnosis, loving Lee, picking-me-up from the Doctor’s office, determined to make the best of the worst situation: which included wine, restaurant week at my favorite Argentinian spot and allowing the tears to just flow, For a few hours. Freaking out over a phone call I needed to make, and finally
phoning the man I had recently started seeing more seriously and explaining the situation. Scared of what the voice on the other end of the phone would say. We were already an ocean apart and I could not expect him to want to continue on while I finally fought cancer and could not carry-on a normal relationship for quite some time. It was heartbreaking in ways I never imagined. But if you read my blog religiously, you know that new man in my life at the time, has become not only a boyfriend, but one of the best things that ever came out of cancer. Without it, I know I never would have met him. Because the person I was before cancer could not possibly have manifested this man into my life. He is so special, safe and stable, strong and seriously sweet. #allthefeels
Ahhh, enough about mon amour, I enjoy that our relationship is private but he’s so genial not to gush about…..but back to the memory of bone marrow’s past, the universe works in mysterious ways….I had asked my girlfriends to come in town for an early bday celebration before the bone marrow biopsy bump in the road. These angels allowed me to forget or at least try to, about the impending protocol that lie ahead of me and instead of pouting we decided to party-on and pretend like everything was right in the world. Like it would be a little over 6 months later. Two of my closest copines carried me through the incredibly difficult days leading up to the remission chemo and have been by my side spiritually, and sometimes physically, ever since.
I suddenly started to cry during my meditation on Sunday soir when I remembered the last hug the three of us shared, outside my Baltimore abode. With their arms around me I knew I would one day be alright but I still did not want to let go. That hug saved me from myself and reminded me that angels are not only in heaven, as they were right there with me.
Last weekend I had dinner and a day of dancing around Miami’s design district with Amazing Amy, so maybe that conjured up some of my crying as it reminded me how lucky I am, and how grateful I am for the people outside my bloodline, who also love me and carry me every single day. (That’s you KLL, C&A as well as my JMJ. And let’s be honest so many more, but let’s focus on these 4 today)
Today is 11.5 months post transplant and I am grateful to say that Love is so strong and sometimes it shows up so unexpectedly, you just have to surrender. I can honestly say I have more of it in my life than I ever imagined and it makes me happier and happier each passing day.
So the story goes, souvenirs from sad situations will some how show themselves sporadically, but the silver linings and love that I have found within this specific souvenir, signifies exactly why I am here, sharing the story and still on the journey to the “oneandallie.” L’amour je t’adore